Sunday, December 10, 2000
10:44 a.m.

So last night I invited John over. I was all by myself at my brothers, babysitting the house for the weekend. Nothing much was going on. Nicole is now securely attached to Corey's hip so we never go out anymore. I asked and instead of a yes or no answer it was "let me call you back in ten minutes." I knew exactly what he was doing. Calling his friends to find something to do, a good excuse to say no. About 20 minutes later he calls back, Matt knows of some party. He is going to take a shower and call me back once he gets to Matt. Why? I guess he felt guilty or something. Hour later, he calls from Matts. Asks me what I'm going to do. I lie and tell him Amy and this guy she is dating and his friend are coming over. Same people I supposedly went to the movies with the night before. I don't know if this made him jealous or not, he did not say. He tells me they are leaving and then asks if I want him to call when he gets to the party. Why? again. "Sure" I reply. He wants a yes or no answer. So I let out a deep sigh and say yes. He is irritated at my lack of enthusiasm. I've been irritated at his for some time now so I don't really care. He says bye and I just hang up. He never calls back. I spent the night watching When a Man Loves A Women, crying through most of it. Partly because its kinda sad, and partly because I'm depressed at how pathetic my life is at the moment. Leah calls to tell me about some party, but she doesn't invite to go with her. Brad calls and tells me about the same party, tells me to come out, but he is already there. This is the same party John is at. Do I really want to go there by myself? No. So I sit home and wallow in self pity. You know I always thought I was strong willed and wouldn't take no crap, but now I realize before when I walked away from those guys I didn't really have a choice. They didn't pretend to want me. They didn't put in any effort so it was easier to walk away and say fuck them. I just hope that I really can be strong this time and forget about John. I mean it's stupid to bother with. Even if he does like me, we don't want the same thing and he's not making me happy. So why bother? I don't even think I'm staying around because I like John soooooo much. I mean I do like him, but I think the reason I've been sticking around is because I'm so tired of being along. I'm so tired of not having someone there. I want this to work soooooooo bad. I want to be with someone longer than two months. I want to be important to someone other than family and friends. Is that to much to ask?

Saturday, November 11, 2000
09:53 p.m.

black hair, blue eyes, incredible smile and an annoying personality to go along with it. Thought I hit the jackpot I sure did. WRONG. This guy, Bob, very nice guy. Good job, looks, very nice. Sounds like jackpot huh? Yeah right, come on this is me. I don't get that lucky. This guy is way to eager to begin with. I talked to him for 20 mins. and came home to this email:

Suzanne, I hope I got the right e-mail address. I absolutely adored our conversation we had on Thursday night. You are a very interesting girl and a very smart girl. Not to mention you are the best looking woman I have ever seen!!!!!! My sister walked in I have got to go. bye.

Now maybe I'm just being a snot or stupid but thats just a little to much for me. He calls me all the time and freaks out everytime I email him profusely thanking me for emailing him and telling me how much I made his day. I have already won and I haven't even started. Where's the challenge? And what 20 yr old male says stuff like "absolutely adored". Oh and then theres the whole "your such a bad little girl" line he always tells me. Ugh, I'm getting shivers just thinking about it. Why can't i find a happy medium. One guy doesn't pay enough attention to me and the other pays wayyyyyyyy to much.

Wednesday, November 8, 2000
11:21 p.m.

black hair. blue eyes. incredible smile. dimples. that just sounds sexy. Now imagine seeing that. His name is Bob. Everyone at my work just thinks he is something real special. And according to everyone, he thinks I'm something special. Well he has my number, let's just see if he uses it. Mabye this whole John thing wasn't so bad after all. ;)

Wednesday, November 8, 2000
12:33 a.m.

Did lovers really fall in love to stay
To stand beside eachother come what may
Was a promise really something people kept
Not just something they would say
Did families really bow their heads to pray
Did daddies really never go away
Oooh, grandpa tell me bout the good ole days

I want the good ole days. sigh.

Tuesday, November 7, 2000
06:47 p.m.

I know I rushed things. We moved really fast and it's only been a month so I guess I can't exactly blame him for not wanting to be totally commited to me. But it's not my fault. I consider sex a serious issue so obviously I'm going to equate that with having a serious relationship. And he knew that was what I wanted, I told him that from the beginning. He told me he would never hurt me. But he did. Not only that, but he let me find out from a someone else. So now were just "dating". I told him I was going to date other people. And that if someone else came along that could give me what I wanted I wouldn't hesitate on account of him. He said he didn't want to date anyone else, just that he couldn't promise me that he could be totally comitted. He couldn't promise he wouldn't get drunk again and slip. He couldn't promise that he wouldn't kiss someone again. "That's not good enough" I told him. "I want more" I said. I'm looking on the optimistic side, believing that he's not an asshole, he didn't mean to lead me on, he really does like me it's just that we haven't been together long enough for him to be sure he wants to committ to me. That a few months down the road he will know me well enough, and be able to promise me and put our friendship at stake by saying it will never happen again and that I'm the only girl he wants to be with. I choose not to listen to my fears. The fears that are telling me he just wants to be able to have me and everyone else but not get in trouble for it. That he likes the regular sex and having a person there to spend the boring nights with but not actually me. Or that he was telling me all that because he wanted to make himself feel better for promising not to hurt me and then doing it.

I know my friends think they are making me feel better by telling me the other girl is ugly and thick. But it's like a double-edged sword. I don't want to hear that she is pretty but then he kissed her when he could of been kissing me. He said it meant nothing, he doesn't like her and that it was a stupid drunk mistake. He didn't tell me himself because he knew it would "fuck things up" between us and he just couldn't let something like a "stupid drunk kiss with an ugly girl" do that.

I'm really beginning to think there really is something wrong with me. Why do all my relationships barely ever last more than a month or so?? I always said I just had bad taste in men but then I turn around and see these same guys being true gentlemen to other girls.

My trust is shot, my patience exhausted, my dream shattered. No fairy tale romance, no long-term relationship. Basically just a friend who wants the comfort of me telling him that were still dating but has pretty much ruined everything for himself. I can't say for sure that if in a couple months he wants to be in a "serious" relationship that I won't do it but I can say this...it will be a while before I can trust him, he will have to work hard to prove to me I can, I'm NOT going to rush things and I'm NOT going to limit my options until I do trust him. So basically, until he can prove I can trust him, we are friends. And if some charming handsome boy comes along and steals my affections and is eager to give me what I want I won't hesitate to close the door on John and have him remain a friend forever.